“But
I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God;
I
trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever.
For
what You have done I will always praise You
in
the presence of Your faithful people.
And
I will hope in Your name, for Your name is good.”
Psalm
52: 8 & 9
I came across this verse tonight and
knew…it was high time I started sharing the beautifully insane ways God has
been healing and redeeming throughout the last year.
About two weeks ago, I sat down with a
friend and opened up. It was the most
real and raw I have been in a long time, and it was, honestly, freeing. A couple nights ago, I talked with another
friend about the beauty of being honest with others and sharing our stories
because, no matter what we may tell ourselves, we are not alone. When we
are honest real about our struggles, we find others who share our struggles and
see the beauty of the redemption God is working in our lives. And it’s one of the hardest things I’ve done,
but God has been placing a strong need to share on my heart. And here we are.
Last fall, I started having some issues
with anxiety due to something ever-so-slightly off with my thyroid. But because of this, my mind found a new
track it decided it could start taking, and anxiety became something new I’d
never struggled with before but now had almost daily. There would be good days when everything felt
normal, and there would be days when I would lie on the floor for hours because
I didn’t have the energy or desire to do anything that day, for fear of what
might happen if I said the wrong thing, if I may potentially be a bother to
others, if anything at all went wrong during the day.
I don’t remember when it all started, but
one day, I started noticing thoughts in my head that I was not thinking. Multiple times a day, thoughts of self-harm
and, sometimes, even suicide would pop into my head. I was scared.
I could not figure out where these thoughts were coming from; I had no
desire to act on these thoughts, but still they were there. And I didn’t know why. I couldn’t figure out what was going inside
my own head. I started visiting a
counselor to begin learning faith-based coping mechanisms, and during that
time, I learned these are called intrusive thoughts. In a sense (and in a short version because I
did not actually pay attention in my online Intro to Psychology class oops),
these thoughts came into my head one day without me actually thinking
them. Because they brought such fear and
anxiety, they carried great emotional weight in my mind, meaning that any time
my mind went blank, these came back to the forefront of my mine. So, singing Veggie Tales songs in my head
became a routine every single time these thoughts popped into my head.
Since last fall, God has begun to show me
the crazy ways that He provides when we don’t even know we’re in need. Last fall, He was building and fostering
friendships that I had no idea would become some of my greatest supporters and
encouragements when the anxiety started to become something I didn’t feel I
could handle. Now, in those moments when
I know I need my mind to be filled and distracted from itself, there are
specific people who care for me and spend time with me, who will not leave me
alone when my mind cannot be alone.
That has been an amazingly huge blessing
the last couple of months. Recently,
these thoughts have turned very socially-based, and they’ve skewed my
perception of how others view me. Satan
has begun to use my anxiety and these intrusive thoughts to place lies in my
head that I am unwanted and unloved. To
tell me that, even when enjoying a night with friends, I could leave the room
and no one would even notice. To tell me
that if I spent all my time alone and never saw my friends again, they wouldn’t
notice or care.
Then one night, about three or four weeks
ago, I was worshiping with some friends when I was reminded of the deep, deep
love of God. The bridge of Cory Asbury's “Reckless
Love” really rattled me:
There’s no shadow You won’t light up
Mountain You won’t climb up
Coming after me.
There’s no wall You won’t kick down
Lie
You won’t tear down
Coming
after me.
In this exact moment, God reminded me that
He would do anything – including enduring the worst pain and death – to wrap me
in His love and redeem my hurting mind.
But on that last line, it was as if God was whispering to me personally,
“I want to break down these lies.”
It took identifying them as lies to
start. Acknowledging that they were
lies, rather than truth about my social surroundings. Then…holy cannoli.
I still get chills.
It wasn’t as if I heard the voice of God,
but somehow, it was as if His exact words were echoing through my mind: “Alli, repeat back to Me all the things I
tell you that you are to Me and in Me and through Me.”
Holy crap, y’all. That was a GAME CHANGER.
So guess who sat there in tears for the
rest of the night? But they were tears
of joy, of redemption, of freedom.
Because all these thoughts and lies telling me that no one would care if
I never saw them again? The lies that
told me no one cared or loved me enough to even want to spend time with
me? I had a way to combat them.
I was able to remind myself…
When Satan tries to tell me I’m suicidal
even though I’ve identified my intrusive thoughts and understand they are not
ideas I am thinking, God tells me I am more than a conqueror and that He
created me for a specific purpose.
He reminds me of this summer and my
internship, of the future He has for me, whatever that may be, of the future
that He’s creating that would not be the same if He wasn’t able to use me in
that future.
When Satan tells me I’m unwanted, God
tells me I am beloved, prized, compassionate, and a friend.
When I feel forgotten by my friends, God
calls me daughter, cherished, adored, masterpiece made by the Creator of the universe. Forever His.
There are still good days and bad
days. There are still days when I call
my friends and ask to sit at their homes simply so that my mind is not alone
and idle. There are still days when I
lie on the floor, but I’m learning ways to remind myself of my worth and my
value in Christ. There are good days
when anxiety doesn’t seem to be much of an issue at all, but there are also
days when I feel like I’m at battle and that every moment is a fight against my
own mind.
But then God reminds me that the battle is
already won. That in Him, there is
eternal freedom.
And the freedom always wins the
fight. It isn’t easy, it isn’t perfect,
and it isn’t pretty. It doesn’t mean
that every day is a good day. But it
does mean that the fight doesn’t get to win and that the freedom found in
reminding myself who God says I am will always win.
